20 Funny Statuses

1. With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.

2. That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.

3. My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.

4. If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.

5. The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.

6. I’m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

7. You never know what you have until you clean your room.

8. The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.

9. People ask me why I don’t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?

10. Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.

11. I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.

12. I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.

13. They have all those non-smoking laws in public places so let’s now all focus on passing some perfume/cologne usage limits.

14. I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy.

15. I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he’s really in trouble.

16. The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…

17. I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

18. True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.

19. I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.

20. You’re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.