Collected this week, on FB…
Top Facebook Status Humor:
- Every time I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the lock.
- I wish there was a way to track down who got you sick so you can punch them in the face.
- Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, “I like where I wake up to always be a surprise.”
- How can we call ourselves “evolved” when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom?
- Million dollar idea: Chocolate Nerds called Urkels.
- I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
- I’d love the chance to relive my life, then I’d know exactly what people to kick in the crotch immediately upon meeting them.
- It’s scary that mostly men are in construction jobs, because they so often confuse 6 and 8 inches.
- Women know exactly what they want until the second they have to choose.
- It’s not the things we did for love that haunt us. It’s the things we didn’t do.
- A real man is a woman’s best friend. He will never let her down. He will comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions. He will enable her to be confident, sexy, and invincible … No wait. Sorry. I’m thinking of wine. It’s wine that does all that shit. Never mind.
- Things to do in a public restroom… “Say peek a boo, I see you!” to the person in the next stall just to see what happens.
- Whenever a man promises you the world, just remember the world is falling apart and is overcrowded before getting your hopes up.
- I’m not high maintenance. You’re just obviously incapable of catering to all my unrealistic demands.
- If they ever invent a Q-tip that vibrates, those few minutes after a hot shower are going to be amazing!
- A woman who has no idea how hot she is, is so hot.
- If you want to find a missing person, put their pictures on cigarettes. Smokers are the only ones standing outside in all kinds of weather.
- Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.
- Do you like him like him, or just Facebook like him?
- I didn’t text you to exercise my fingers, I want a damn reply.
This is One Big Ass Fish:
Scary? Yes. Awesome? Definitely. Share this epic monstrosity with your Facebook friends. Just waittttt for the comments on this one! [source: imgur]
Turtle Gets Freaky with Shoe:
That is one confused little tortoise… poor little guy 😉 One thing’s for sure, this video is certified hilarious! Share amongst your Facebook friends for some LIKE karma.