Lost Phone, Anti Kissing Dog, and 20 Top Status Updates

Make the weekend last longer, share these…

Top 20 Facebook Status Updates This Week:

  1. Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
  2. People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
  3. The most important thing in life is not knowing everything, it’s having the phone number of somebody who does!
  4. Does anyone know where the off switch on a child is? I can’t seem to find it.
  5. I need pumpkin flavored EVERYTHING.
  6. Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
  7. To reduce stress, I do yoga. Just kidding, I drink wine in my yoga pants.
  8. I’m not chubby, I’m just really easy to spot in a crowd.
  9. Don’t bother sucking up. I already don’t like you and that’s not gonna change.
  10. Never laugh at your significant others choices. You’re one of them.
  11. Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
  12. Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
  13. The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I’m home alone and my power goes out.
  14. Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
  15. My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
  16. I don’t want you anymore. Until you want someone else. Then you’re mine. Until you want me again. Then I’m distant. But don’t go anywhere.
  17. If you are the older twin, call your little sibling 50 times a day and say “when I was your age” then describe what you did 6 minutes ago
  18. When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
  19. Marijuana: The super glue that holds your life together after all your dreams have been shattered by the responsibilities of adulthood.
  20. No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates… | Win an iPad Mini

This Dog does NOT want a kiss…

Quit smothering me, DAD!

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