Life Is Short, 20 Funny Statuses, Tha Flippa Remix

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Mind Blown…

It’s 2015, why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?
You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
I always scratch off the “Plus One” option on wedding invitations are replace it with “Drinking for two”
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
Did you know that running for just 10 minutes a day raises your risk of posting inspirational quotes by 63%?
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
“Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you.” -Honest spam
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying.
I run entirely on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts.
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, “So how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
Do Starbucks employees take coffee breaks?
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
If you don’t boo at people after bad sex, how do you expect to motivate them to get better?
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you’re so stupid
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.