Homeless Rapper, Allergies, and 20 Funny Facebook Status Updates

Editorial Team

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Make Monday fun, share one of these…

20 Funny Facebook Status Update Ideas:

I wonder how many calories I burn when I run away from my problems.
When your boss asks why you’re late. Just shrug and say “thug life.” Bosses don’t mess with thug life.
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
Birth control pills should be for men…it makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
I’m the type of person who will pretend I can’t hear you when I have my earphones on.
You can use the time you saved by texting me “k” instead of “ok” to find a new friend.
I struggle between wanting to stay up late and wanting extra hours of sleep.
You’re in love? Cool I’m in sweatpants.
I hate the phrase “life is short” because life is literally the longest thing that any of us will ever experience.
The only clubs I’m into are sandwiches.
When I drink I become everybody’s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I’m sober.
I assume people with dark tinted windows pick their nose more aggressively than the rest of us.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa.
I grew up believing I had special knees until finally realizing they weren’t saying knees.
CAPS LOCK IS HOW I FEEL INSIDE ALL OF THE TIME.
Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I’m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
Remember when our ancestors used to use their mouths to communicate?
Please stop saying you ‘seen’ something. Some of us are trying to evolve as a species & you’re dragging us down.
Sorry isn’t a verb. Don’t expect it to do things for you.
Those Box Tops that raise money for schools really should be on wine labels.