Flex on Em, Undo Text Messages, and Weekend Status Posts

Editorial Team

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Make your weekend last longer, share one of these…

Top Weekend Facebook Status Posts:

I wonder how many calories I burn when I run away from my problems.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
I need a hug right now also five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
“I don’t know how many years on this Earth I got left. I’m gonna get real weird with it.”
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
You’re not a hoe? So are you like a volunteer prostitute?
My day so far…
1. Open fridge. Nothing to eat.
2. Open pantry. Nothing to eat.
3. Lower standards and repeat
Immature is a word boring people use to describe fun people.
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
I hate it when feelings get in the way of smart decisions.
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don’t wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
You should just fall in love with me already. So I can immediately lose interest and we can both move on with our lives.
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
Can anyone recommend a good movie to kinda listen to while I stare at my phone?
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he’s a keeper.
Trying to understand quantum physics. Cause trying to understand women is just too damn hard.
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone’s lawns so freshly mowed.