Dis My Jam, Problem Solving, and Witty Facebook Statuses

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Witty Facebook Statuses:

If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Home is where the pants aren’t.
That awkward moment when you get really mad at someone in real life because of something they did to you in a dream.
We all have chapters, in our lives, we don’t want published. Be reminded though that it’s those chapters which make the book worth reading.
I guess I should come up with a plan B in case the murderer that breaks into my house figures out how to get this blanket off of me.
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
People with 1 syllable names f*cking ruin the happy birthday song.
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
You can pretty much text anything as long as you put a happy face emoticon afterwards. You’re a slut 🙂
You call it “insulting”, I call it “describing accurately”.
Today I saw a homeless man holding a sign that read, “Why live in a $100k home when I can live under a 3 million dollar bridge?”
On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Some days the pieces just look better lying on the floor where they fell.
I don’t mind if you wear the pants in our relationship, because if I’m doing it right, you won’t have them on for long…
“What did he say?” “Who is she?” “What just happened?” (Repeat 30 times and you just watched a movie with my mom)
Sometimes I catch a glimpse of my own reflection and think to myself, “You’re welcome mirror.”
I heard that people who talk to themselves tend to be extremely smart.. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.
Some of you must be really tired from jumping to so many conclusions.
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.