High Speed Watermelon Cutting (Video), Puppy Hugs, and 20 Best Status Posts

This week on Facebook….

20 Best Facebook Status Posts:

  1. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. You can’t teach a cat anything, ever.
  2. I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.
  3. Called me old-fashioned, but I prefer women with eyebrows made of actual hair.
  4. I hate it When someone calls you, you miss the call, ten seconds later you call them back, & they don’t answer.
  5. I miss the days when homework was just… Coloring.
  6. Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
  7. Stupid must be a dominant gene.
  8. Can we all just agree to start spelling it “Wensday”?
  9. WEB MD should have a simple answer like “Calm down-you probably just ate too many cookies!”
  10. I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn’t in a band any more.
  11. Why do hospitals need to advertise? It’s not like I’m going to go to Home Depot instead.
  12. My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.
  13. When someone says you have a baby face, they’re really saying you’re cute but still kinda fat.
  14. Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let’s try to leave better kids for our planet.
  15. If you piss me off in the grocery store I will get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for grapes separately with a personal check.
  16. I cannot even begin to imagine the conversation that led to the first circumcision.
  17. I always eat tacos over a tortilla, so when stuff falls out BOOM extra taco.
  18. The nice thing about picking up hitch hikers is that you can use the car pool lane before they kill you.
  19. I stand in the jail cell, still shaking from what I’ve done. A shadowy figure appears “I hope it was worth it” as he tosses me a Klondike bar
  20. I wonder how ridiculous it sounds to people in Africa that we use clean water to wash extra food off of our plates.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

High Speed Watermelon Cutting…

I could probably only manage that one time and one time only before my fingers were long gone.

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