Tiny Burritos, Baby Giraffe, and Awesome Random Status Updates

Editorial Team

491

Make Wednesday count, share these…

20 Awesome Random Status Updates:

Sometimes my mom says she’s smarter than me, but who’s living rent free in whose house and who’s eating all whose groceries?
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is “limo window partition” between the front and back seat not an option yet? Step it up!
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Boss: John, tell me your greatest weakness Me: Honesty B: I don’t think that’s a weakness M: I don’t give a shit what you think.
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt has got to be one of my top 5 favorite songs about identity theft.
I just spotted some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces.
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
When you hear a recording of your voice and you wonder how you have any friends.
Too bad the opposite of “mo money, mo problems.” isn’t “no money, no problems.”
“I love accounting!” -Italian guy who loves to count.
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
Being gay is fine. Being lesbian is fine. Being straight is fine. But do you know what’s not fine? Wearing crocs. That shit is NOT okay.
A tiger doesn’t lose sleep over the opinion of sheep.
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend’s house.
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE 1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle. 2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole’s name. 3. If you help someone when they’re in trouble, they will remember you when they’re in trouble again. 4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them. 5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.