Facebook Status Updates

Funny Statuses, Fluffy Cow, & Baby & Husky Talk

Editorial Team

566

The best on Facebook this week…

Top 20 Funny Statuses:

Teach your kids about taxes and social security by taking 30% of their Halloween candy and promising to give part of it back in 70 years.
Don’t grow up….it’s a trap!
“I saw that.” -Karma
You had me at “let’s get some coffee.”
Rules for texting a girl:
1. Don’t take 40 minutes to reply.
2. Use good grammar.
3. Ask Questions.
4. Use the 🙂 face.
My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.
So when the zombie apocalypse finally happens, I’m moving to Washington D.C. I figure the lack of brains there will keep the undead masses away.
The awkward moment when you’re eating dinner at someone else’s house and you don’t like the food, but you have to pretend to like it.
I think the elderly should retake their driver’s test after a certain age.
Why didn’t the man buy the Velcro shoes?
They were a ripoff.
I propose that we abolish marriage and engage in 3 year contracts instead, with the option for renewal.
Want to know if you’re in the wrong relationship? If you were reading this hoping I really had the answer, it’s over. You’re welcome.
Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.
Sometimes I wish I was a nicer person but then I laugh and continue my day.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
I have just painted a blue square on the garden to trick people viewing Google Earth into thinking I have a swimming pool!!
If you are someone who insists on talking on the phone rather than texting, I’m sorry but, we can’t be friends.
¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ I ¡¡ʎǝɥ
Snuck a bunch of booze into work today using my stomach.