Facebook Status Updates

Dog Imitates Baby, Dave Chapelle, & Great Status Posts

Editorial Team

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20 Great Status Updates for Facebook:

Happy 12-12-12. This is the century’s last repeating date. So unless you’ve got Magic Johnson’s doctors, you wont see another one.
I’ll never be convinced there’s not someone hiding under my bed just waiting for the chance to grab my ankle.
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
Get hoarders addicted to crack, they’ll sell off all their crap. Boom, problem solved.
The awkward moment when your kindness is mistaken with flirting.
My Talents: speed texting, procrastination, and sarcasm.
Taco cat spelt backwards is taco cat. Carry on.
Exercise…ex…er…cise…..ex…ar…..size……eggs…are…sides….for bacon. Bacon.
Do you ever just wake up and go “nope” and roll over and go back to sleep?
Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don’t get how they made it to all those houses in one night.
Santa is REALLY going to love the cookies in Colorado this year.
The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
Never have I seen humans turn on their fellow man faster than when someone holds up a checkout line.
The more you know, the less you need to say.
I want whatever drugs make sign twirlers tolerate their jobs for more than 9 seconds.
Don’t dress like a hoe and expect a guy to approach you like a princess.
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today on YouTube. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola… Especially this time of the year!
Too bored to stay home, too lazy to go out.
Facebook would be way cooler if it was on t.v. : “In other news Brian’s ex-girlfriend is still a cold, heartless bitch. Details at 11”.