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20 Great Status Updates for Facebook:
- Happy 12-12-12. This is the century’s last repeating date. So unless you’ve got Magic Johnson’s doctors, you wont see another one.
- I’ll never be convinced there’s not someone hiding under my bed just waiting for the chance to grab my ankle.
- The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
- Get hoarders addicted to crack, they’ll sell off all their crap. Boom, problem solved.
- The awkward moment when your kindness is mistaken with flirting.
- My Talents: speed texting, procrastination, and sarcasm.
- Taco cat spelt backwards is taco cat. Carry on.
- Exercise…ex…er…cise…..ex…ar…..size……eggs…are…sides….for bacon. Bacon.
- Do you ever just wake up and go “nope” and roll over and go back to sleep?
- Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don’t get how they made it to all those houses in one night.
- Santa is REALLY going to love the cookies in Colorado this year.
- The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
- When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
- Never have I seen humans turn on their fellow man faster than when someone holds up a checkout line.
- The more you know, the less you need to say.
- I want whatever drugs make sign twirlers tolerate their jobs for more than 9 seconds.
- Don’t dress like a hoe and expect a guy to approach you like a princess.
- I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today on YouTube. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola… Especially this time of the year!
- Too bored to stay home, too lazy to go out.
- Facebook would be way cooler if it was on t.v. : “In other news Brian’s ex-girlfriend is still a cold, heartless bitch. Details at 11”.
Dave Chapelle Dishes Knowledge…
Funny because it’s true 🙂 Pass along the street knowledge.
Dog Mimics Baby:
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