Waking Up Early, Selfies, and Hilarious Facebook Status

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Hilarious Facebook Status:

  1. It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
  2. It’s amazing how many people are allergic to gluten, peanuts, and facts.
  3. If you’re at a party and people start chanting your name, you’re obligated to do anything they want you to do.
  4. True love is when they look at you, see you’re batshit insane, and love you anyway.
  5. If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
  6. The way to a girl’s heart is presents. The way to a woman’s heart is presence.
  7. If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
  8. Humour is of two types – below the belt and above the forehead.
  9. Your voicemail will be ignored in the order in which it was received. Beep.
  10. I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
  11. Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
  12. It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
  13. No children were harmed in making this status. Ignored perhaps, but certainly not harmed…
  14. How about a restaurant where the minute you walk in you lose cell service and your camera app is disabled we’ll call it “ENJOY YOUR LIVES”
  15. If you’re only 18, please don’t post philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
  16. Laugh if you will but this night-light has an undefeated record at repelling Boogeymen.
  17. Trying to argue via text is like Being Italian and talking with handcuffs on.
  18. Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine.
  19. Since nobody reads newspapers anymore I feel I should periodically walk to the end of my driveway in my bathrobe and read my iPad.
  20. If you’re tired of starting over, stop giving up.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Dog Doesn’t Like Being Up Early…

I totally know the feeling! Share if you do too.

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