Facebook Status Updates

Red Light, Bug Eyed Kitten, and ROFL Status Posts

Editorial Team

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ROFL Status Posts

Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
At times, I’m grateful that thoughts don’t appear in bubbles over our heads.
Ask-hole: Someone who constantly asks for advice then does the opposite of what you told them.
It’s only Wednesday and I’m already 94% done with this week.
1% battery left and you run like a ninja to get your charger.
Mi papá tiene 47 años = my dad is 47 years old Mi papa tiene 47 anos = my potato has 47 assholes I love Spanish.
I never use the little twist ties to close the loaf of bread. I spin the bag and tuck it under the loaf of bread.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
When I get really bored I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit there and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.
Why don’t hoarders ever hoard money?
My phone has more apps than contacts.
Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby.
I wish I could get as excited about anything as the dog does about going for a ride.
I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn’t mind driving a tractor around.
I colored my hair today. Never doing that again. It took 5 hours and 12 Sharpies.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I’m not fat. My stomach is 3D.
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.