Raccoon Grapes, Massive Dog, & Gut-Busting Statuses

Guaranteed laughs, share these…

Gut-Busting Facebook Statuses:

  1. You don’t know something? Google it. You don’t know someone? Facebook it. You don’t find something? MOM!
  2. Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
  3. I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
  4. Whenever I am walking behind someone slower than me, I take it as an opportunity to practice my pimp walk.
  5. If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
  6. I’m not calling you an idiot but we should use people like you to test if stuff is safe.
  7. Sometimes there is just not enough face for this palm.
  8. Being angry over someones sexual preference is like being angry over what some stranger behind you orders at McDonald’s.
  9. If you never allow your child to experience failure and disappointment, they will not be equipped to handle adulthood.
  10. I have OCD as well as ADD. Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
  11. I need a hallmark card that says “Sorry for the things I’ve said about your girlfriend I didn’t know you were gonna get back together again”
  12. My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.
  13. What happens on online stays online, forever and ever.
  14. I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
  15. Nothing ruins a great night’s sleep like waking up in the morning.
  16. Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
  17. I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
  18. I’d probably buy a lot more DVDs if they stopped wrapping them in indestructible witch-plastic.
  19. If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.
  20. If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

Yesterdays Status Updates…

That is one BIG Doggie…

one big ass dog

Whoa.

Raccoon Eating Grapes:

That mischievous little fellow is up to no good, I know it!

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