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Top Facebook Status Posts:
- The awkward moment when you’re waiting for a text but then you realize you’re the one who didn’t reply.
- After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
- I really just want Morgan Freeman to read me bedtime stories.
- I wish the minutes between hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.
- It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
- If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
- A friend of mine said onions are the only food that could make you cry. That was before I hit him in the face with a coconut.
- A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby.
- You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything.
- McDonalds should have 3 drive thru windows. The one you pay at, the one you pick up your order, and the third to trade in all the wrong crap they gave you.
- Don’t wake me up unless the house is on fire or you have food for me otherwise Google your problems.
- Things I wish were real:
1) Krabby Patties.
2) Jimmy Neutron’s inventions.
3) A school like PCA
5) Timmy Turner’s goldfish.
- Daaaaamn girl are you a smoke detector cause you’re annoying and won’t shut the heck up.
- Me: I’m just going to rest my eyes for 5 minutes.
Me: Wakes up February 5th, 2096.
- The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
- People on the Internet: “Omg you’re so beautiful, how are you single?” People at school: “Ew get back in your cave.”
- Blanket on, too hot. Blanket off, too cold. One leg out, perfect. Til’ the demon of Paranormal Activity grabs it and drags you down the hall.
- *Sends risky text* 15 seconds later no reply.”Oh God what have I done!”
- My ceiling fan has 3 settings: 1. Very slow 2. Slow 3. I’m about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident.
- I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.
Case of the Mondays at the Office:
Poorrrrr baby! I think we all share your feeling of Monday.
Old Man Throws Down EPIC Skateboarding Tricks:
Well, that was unexpectedly awesome. Share if you enjoyed!