Almost Friday, Share these….
Funny One-Liners for your Status:
- I’m gonna strap a snowblower on my roof and start driving south. When someone asks me what it is, that’s where I’m gonna live.
- What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.
- It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
- A blind man walks into a bar…. and a table… and a chair.
- You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
- When you tell a lie, think of it as peeing in the pool. Let it out slow. Don’t let facial expressions give you away.
- Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
- I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
- I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
- When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
- I rub shampoo in my eyes every morning to prepare for the pain of the day.
- YES! Pandora I am still listening. Why so needy?
- Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
- Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
- Sometimes I think I’m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
- You know you are pissed off when Eminem starts to make sense.
- Sex is like pizza. When it’s good, it’s good. When it’s bad, it’s still petty good.
- Man, kids really do ask some tough questions. One just came up to me and said “what’s Nicolas Cage’s worst film?” How do you even answer that?
- Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
- Remember the Harlem Shake? I think we can all agree that was really stupid.
I upside down love you.
Old Cop Does the “Wobble” Dance:
Whoa! That old man has some serious moves 🙂
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