Almost Friday, Share these….

Funny One-Liners for your Status:

  1. I’m gonna strap a snowblower on my roof and start driving south. When someone asks me what it is, that’s where I’m gonna live.
  2. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.
  3. It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
  4. A blind man walks into a bar…. and a table… and a chair.
  5. You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
  6. When you tell a lie, think of it as peeing in the pool. Let it out slow. Don’t let facial expressions give you away.
  7. Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
  8. I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
  9. I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
  10. When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
  11. I rub shampoo in my eyes every morning to prepare for the pain of the day.
  12. YES! Pandora I am still listening. Why so needy?
  13. Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
  14. Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
  15. Sometimes I think I’m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
  16. You know you are pissed off when Eminem starts to make sense.
  17. Sex is like pizza. When it’s good, it’s good. When it’s bad, it’s still petty good.
  18. Man, kids really do ask some tough questions. One just came up to me and said “what’s Nicolas Cage’s worst film?” How do you even answer that?
  19. Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
  20. Remember the Harlem Shake? I think we can all agree that was really stupid.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Wat?

I upside down love you.

Old Cop Does the “Wobble” Dance:

Whoa! That old man has some serious moves 🙂

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