Hawk Hello, The ROCK, and Witty Status Updates

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Witty Facebook Status Updates:

  1. The awkward moment when you’re in the car and accidentally make eye contact with people in the car next to you.
  2. Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that.”
  3. I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
  4. Nothing says “I’ve made poor life decisions” like a couch in your front yard.
  5. I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
  6. Dear stomach, you’re just bored, but not hungry. Sincerely, I’m getting fat.
  7. You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
  8. “Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
  9. Opening a gym that teaches power walking and door knocking. Gonna call it Jehova’s Fitness.
  10. I regret every fart I ever held in for you.
  11. When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
  12. “Oh my god! A giant face just destroyed my house! Now he seems to be doing some weird dance?” – spiders
  13. My lemonade contains artificial flavoring. My laundry detergent contains real lemons. Screw everything.
  14. My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
  15. Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
  16. You know shit is about to get real when two ladies take off their earrings simultaneously.
  17. Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever little bastard.
  18. Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign of depression.
  19. “Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
  20. I think instead of “LOL”….I’m going to go with “SALTS” ( smiled a little then stopped). It’s more truthful!!

Yesterdays Status Updates…

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