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Witty Facebook Status Updates:
- The awkward moment when you’re in the car and accidentally make eye contact with people in the car next to you.
- Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that.”
- I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
- Nothing says “I’ve made poor life decisions” like a couch in your front yard.
- I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
- Dear stomach, you’re just bored, but not hungry. Sincerely, I’m getting fat.
- You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
- “Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
- Opening a gym that teaches power walking and door knocking. Gonna call it Jehova’s Fitness.
- I regret every fart I ever held in for you.
- When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
- “Oh my god! A giant face just destroyed my house! Now he seems to be doing some weird dance?” – spiders
- My lemonade contains artificial flavoring. My laundry detergent contains real lemons. Screw everything.
- My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
- Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
- You know shit is about to get real when two ladies take off their earrings simultaneously.
- Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever little bastard.
- Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign of depression.
- “Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
- I think instead of “LOL”….I’m going to go with “SALTS” ( smiled a little then stopped). It’s more truthful!!
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