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Lightning Strike Lady, Internet Win, and Fascinating Statuses

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20 Fascinatingly Funny Statuses:

You have not experienced awkward until you try and tickle somebody who isn’t ticklish.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
Be crazy. Be stupid. Be silly. Be weird. Be whatever. Because life is too short to be anything but happy.
I don’t have an attitude problem… You have a problem with my attitude… That’s your problem, not mine.
I constantly check my phone for no reason.
Listen how your friends talk about others, that’s how they’ll talk about you. Watch how men treat their Exes, that’s how they’ll treat you.
Never treat someone like a saturday night when they treat you like a monday morning.
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
Sometimes I’m like “I really should sleep now” so I turn off my laptop and then I check my phone for the next 3 hours.
The only thing worse than “the one who got away” is “the one who won’t go away.”
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
Alcohol: turning childhood friendships into awkward hook ups
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some shit up.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits.
Starting a new diet called “I only have $4 until next Friday.”
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued. Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
I don’t steal my statuses from song lyrics! Seriously. Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here.
In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!