Facebook Status Updates

Singing Dog, Human Brain, and Hilarious Statuses

Editorial Team

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Make Monday work for you, share one of these…

Hilarious Status Updates:

The only thing violent video games have ever done is make me sit in the same spot for fourteen straight hours.
The two most stolen objects a PEN and a LIGHTER are both made by BIC. Is that a coincidence? I think not!
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
Nothing confuses the hell out of me more than people who order unsweet tea and then put 7 Splendas in it.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
Why haven’t we just found someone ballsy enough to dress up as Mrs Bigfoot and catch this bastard already?
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Dear iTunes and Adobe, Would it not be more time efficient to just tell us when you are NOT updating?
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like…propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA!
If alcohol kills germs and laughter is the best medicine, I’m the healthiest mofo on this planet.
I have a new sponge in the sink and it just brightened my day a little. Being an adult is stupid.
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this lady would hurry up and pick a suspect already.
At this point, I’ll date anyone who fully understands the difference between “your” and “you’re”
In 2027, my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time and BE FREE AT LAST!
Remember when thoughts stayed in people’s heads?
If you think you are too small to make a difference, you haven’t spent the night with a mosquito.
The pain lets you know you’re ok. It’s the numbness you should be concerned about.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others.
You think I’m not online. But I’m always here. Even if I’m not posting. I’m here. Scrolling. Judging.