Laser Gun Bird, Movie Candy, and 20 Monday Status Updates for Facebook

Editorial Team

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Start your week off right, share one of these….

20 Monday Status Updates for Facebook:

When you’re talking to a girl always remember that you’re also talking to her friends via screenshots.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Want the truth? Just ask a kid.
Yes. Is time travel possible?
I just want you to love me as much as those extra fries you unexpectedly find at the bottom of the bag.
When your girlfriend or wife says “lol have fun”, do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Dear lady in front of me, it’s a speed bump, not a f*cking land mine.
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
Marry the one who gives you the same feeling you have when you see your food coming at a restaurant.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Be careful who you open up to. Only a few people actually care, the rest are just curious.
Spilling your drink is the adult equivalent of letting your balloon go.
Facebook just suggested I be friends with my ex. I marked it ‘Offensive’
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those mofos like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don’t even like.
It’s not that I’m judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.