Start your week off right, share one of these….
20 Monday Status Updates for Facebook:
- When you’re talking to a girl always remember that you’re also talking to her friends via screenshots.
- Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
- Want the truth? Just ask a kid.
- Yes. Is time travel possible?
- I just want you to love me as much as those extra fries you unexpectedly find at the bottom of the bag.
- When your girlfriend or wife says “lol have fun”, do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
- There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
- Dear lady in front of me, it’s a speed bump, not a f*cking land mine.
- From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
- Marry the one who gives you the same feeling you have when you see your food coming at a restaurant.
- Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
- Be careful who you open up to. Only a few people actually care, the rest are just curious.
- Spilling your drink is the adult equivalent of letting your balloon go.
- Facebook just suggested I be friends with my ex. I marked it ‘Offensive’
- Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
- Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
- When life throws you curveballs, swing at those mofos like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
- Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don’t even like.
- It’s not that I’m judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.
- I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
Bird Makes Laser Gun Sounds…
This bird needs a movie, immediately!
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