Valentines Siri, Sears Commercial, & Intelligent Facebook Statuses

Editorial Team

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20 Intelligent Facebook Statuses:

Can’t….get up……Bring…..coffee.
That awkward moment when you get mad at someone and slam the door then realized you forgot something so you have to go back.
People who respond to your weird facial expressions with equally weird facial expressions are the best kind of people.
Some of my friends are buying houses. I just purchased bread on credit.
If I’ve learned anything from soap commercials, it’s that only attractive people take showers.
To find your prince you need to kiss a few frogs not sleep with the whole pond.
Coffee: The original first responder
I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I do make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn’t think she knew about.
Snow is like people: a little bit can be beautiful, too much sucks; and when it sticks around for too long it can make murdery feelings.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn’t that make life fair?
I once created a password for a website that was so strong the NSA offered me a job.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up.
I took the “Which 90’s Cartoon Are You?” quiz and got “You’re a f*cking grown man. Stop it. Right now.”