Facebook Status Updates

Goats Playing, Shag Shaming, & Very Clever Status Updates.

Editorial Team

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Make someones day, share these…

Very Clever Status Updates:

If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
I keep trying to lose weight but it keeps finding me.
If Milli Vanilli were to fall in the woods, would someone else make a sound?
“I’m a lawyer.” — “Honest?” — “No, the regular kind”
Googling your symptoms when you don’t feel well is the most efficient way to convince yourself you’re dying.
*showering*
*not hot enough*
*turn shower knob 1/16th of an inch*
Satan himself pours out of ur shower head and licks your back seductively.
Reading a text message 5 times and still not knowing how to reply…
Have you ever been so wildly attracted to someone you can actually feel it driving you insane?
That one password you use for everything and if anyone ever figured it out they could single-handedly ruin your entire life.
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me. Assholes.
Strength doesn’t come from what you can do. It comes from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn’t.
The secret to happiness is oreos and milk.
I feel like people who eat breakfast really have their lives together.
When your single, all you see are happy couples, when you’re in a relationship you wonder what they hell all those couple were so happy about.
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your dick grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!!
The only thing that excites me is food. Sometimes money, but even then it’s “how much food can I buy with this money?”
Kind of wish I didn’t choose the thug life, everyone’s really mean.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.