Make someones day, share these…
Very Clever Status Updates:
- If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
- I keep trying to lose weight but it keeps finding me.
- If Milli Vanilli were to fall in the woods, would someone else make a sound?
- “I’m a lawyer.” — “Honest?” — “No, the regular kind”
- Googling your symptoms when you don’t feel well is the most efficient way to convince yourself you’re dying.
*not hot enough*
*turn shower knob 1/16th of an inch*
Satan himself pours out of ur shower head and licks your back seductively.
- Reading a text message 5 times and still not knowing how to reply…
- Have you ever been so wildly attracted to someone you can actually feel it driving you insane?
- That one password you use for everything and if anyone ever figured it out they could single-handedly ruin your entire life.
- My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me. Assholes.
- Strength doesn’t come from what you can do. It comes from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn’t.
- The secret to happiness is oreos and milk.
- I feel like people who eat breakfast really have their lives together.
- When your single, all you see are happy couples, when you’re in a relationship you wonder what they hell all those couple were so happy about.
- If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
- If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
- Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your dick grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!!
- The only thing that excites me is food. Sometimes money, but even then it’s “how much food can I buy with this money?”
- Kind of wish I didn’t choose the thug life, everyone’s really mean.
- Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
I know this sounds weird, but these goats playing is AWESOME….
I know, right? Goats are fantastically weird. Share if you enjoyed.
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