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20 Facebook Status Updates for This Tuesday:
- I knew USA was Ghana win!
- People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
- I’m going back to sleep. I refuse to give up on my dreams that easily.
- If people talked to everyone the same way they talk to their pets, there would be a lot of confusion over who’s handsome.
- Starbucks will provide free college education to thousands of employees. Unfortunately the diplomas will have their names misspelled.
- When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
- I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
- We all have baggage. At some point we have to unpack what isn’t relevant anymore, so we can make room for what is.
- If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
- Are you always that ugly or were you about to sneeze?
- I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
- So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?
- I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
- I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
- It has been brought to my attention that the stick figures on soccer mom vans are actually NOT pedestrian “kill” scores and are actually meant to represent family members. I will remove mine immediately to avoid any further confusion.
- I think some people need to donate their blood, all of it.
- I was eating Oreos, and I was dunking one in milk and the cookie broke and sank to the bottom. So now I’m just sitting here, staring at the glass and wondering why bad things happen to good people.
- If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end on a call, we would all have no friends.
- Let me drink about it and get back to you.
- I found out that Crossfit is a lot like reverse fight club. Because the first rule of Crossfit is to never shut up about Crossfit.
How to Deactivate a Cat…
Cat Deactivated in 3….2….1
Banned Grey Poupon Commercial:
LOL, you know you were thinking that when you first heard the name of that mustard 😛 this is just ridiculous.