Pro Footballers vs Kids, Realization KittEh, and Witty Facebook Statuses

FunnyStatus Team

294

Make your way through Wednesday, share some…

Witty Facebook Statuses:

That awkward moment when you’re in super deep thought. Then 4 minutes later you realize you’re staring directly at someone.
Due tomorrow, do tomorrow.
I think you’re suffering from a lack of vitamin me.
Ask yourself what you would do for one more day with the ones you’ve lost and then do those things for the ones you still have.
Let me drink about it and get back to you.
No I do not mean “duck,” autocorrect.
Let’s start a charity where we give cats to people who say goodnight to social networking sites.
If you’re my ex, don’t speak to my friends or family. They broke up with your ass too.
Wednesday, you’d be a lot cooler if you were Friday night.
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
Chasing the American Dream does not count as exercise.
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and was tired after a long day of work. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.
I arrived late to work today. Boss Yells “You should of been here at 8:00!” I reply: “Why? what happened at 8:00?” apparently…….. that was not the answer he was looking for.
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “northwest.”
You’re the type of guy I’d make a sandwich for.
Dear Pringles……..I am no longer a child, nor do I have tiny hands, so please make your tube of deliciousness just a bit wider. thanks.
Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs…”Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?”
Unicorns are really just weaponized ponies.