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Crazy Sand Art, Panda Diet, and Fetching Statuses

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Fetching Facebook Statuses:

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
My level of lazy is that I don’t think house arrest would be that bad.
I noticed you’re not yourself today. I really like it.
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
I have 4 missed calls from my mom. A rescue team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting in my underwear on my couch eating cheetos any minute now.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
Computer games don’t affect kids, I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we’d all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive music.
While I fully intended to “sleep my way to the top,” it appears I’ve napped my way to the middle.
Everyone criticizes the Salem Witch Trials, but we haven’t had a witch attack in over 200 years.
Rolling up a blunt is like rolling up all your worries and lighting them on fire.
Please create a password. Your password must contain a capital letter, a number, an emoji, 8 elements from the periodic table and a plot containing a protagonist with some character development and a twist ending.
Facebook keeps asking me “What’s happening,?” “What are you thinking?” Like it’s caught me standing in the doorway to it’s bedroom in the middle of the night with a raincoat on and an axe in my hands.
I hate when people don’t understand my sarcasm they ruin everything.
Cancel… Cancel!….Cancel!!….CANCEL!….. Message sent… Kill me now.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
Best kind of laughter: Laughing so hard that your laugh becomes silent.
How I use my phone: 50% to check the internet 20% to text 15% to take photos 10% check the time 5% to actually call.
Perfect has seven letters. So does meeeeee. Coincidence? I think not.
A friend asked if we have a thesaurus and I told them to use their brain. I mean it’d be pretty obvious if we had a dinosaur wouldn’t it?
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.