Pelican Pimp, Dat Paw, and Clever Status Posts

Make Monday count, share these…

Clever Facebook Status Posts:

  1. You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
  2. The tv remote fell under the bed so I guess it’s TBS, on an uncomfortably high volume, for the next 5 years.
  3. Talking about Star Wars on a first date is a wookie mistake.
  4. The way you feel while mumbling through that part of the song you don’t know is how I feel about all my life decisions.
  5. Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
  6. Sometimes I catch a spider, tie him up and waterboard him. Then I throw him outside so he can tell his friends not to mess with me.
  7. Saw a homeless guy with a sign that said “Anything helps!” So I punched him in the face. Feels good to give back.
  8. Put your GPS on full volume for your daily commute if you want to know what marriage is like.
  9. Settle down people who respond with “k”. Your enthusiasm is overwhelming.
  10. If you use OMG or LOL as words in a spoken conversion, I wil pound your face then ROFLMFAO.
  11. Really offended these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don’t treat every burrito with the utmost respect.
  12. I hate when Doctors asks questions like . . . “Are you sexually active?” Depends on what you mean by “active”. There are plenty of “active” volcanoes that haven’t gone off in over 50 years.
  13. It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
  14. In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
  15. Deja poo. The feeling that you’ve heard this shit before.
  16. The fact that this generation of kids will never know the pain of a Blockbuster late fee really pisses me off.
  17. There are over 10 different flavors of Ramen Noodles, yet they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
  18. You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him: “that’s a girl’s name!” Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin’ Terry.
  19. Fact: No one has ever “Jumped in the shower.”
  20. I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Cat Vs. Bee (Hint: Bee Won)

LOL! Dat Paw Doe. Poor KittEhhh we hope it gets well soon 🙂

Pimp Pelican:


He really doesn’t care… at all! Like a boss 😛

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