How to Catch a Train in China, McCorgi, and Brilliant Statuses

Editorial Team

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Brilliant Facebook Statuses:

We can only be friends if you are kind of a bitch. Not a full blown bitch, because that’s no fun. And if you’re not a bitch at all, that won’t work either. A halfway bitch. Those are my kind of people.
I’ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason.
I hate the phrase “Kids will be kids”. I think it should be replaced with “Bad parenting results in assholes”..
Yes, hello 911 I’m being forced into adulthood and I don’t like it send help.
If I had a dollar for every time someone spelled my name wrong, I could pay for college, semester abroad, a new car, and a mansion in cash.
Me: I’ll do it at 7PM
Time: 7:02PM
Me: oops too late, gotta wait till 8 now
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.
You’ll end up real disappointed if you grow up thinking everyone has the same heart as you do.
I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.
If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
My favorite activity is pretending that I can sing.
That awkward moment when you think someone is ignoring you when in reality you just didn’t press send.
Birth control pills should probably be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest!.
When my kid loses a tooth, I’m telling him the tooth fairy charges a $5 disposal fee.
If someone says you’re a nice person, these things will happen: 1) They will ask you for a favor. 2) You will not get laid.
If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood…
“I read it on the internet” is the new “My friend’s friend.”
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty, Little Ball of Fur. Happy Kitty, Sleepy Kitty, Purr Purr Purr.
McDonald’s should have an express drive thru lane just for people who need french fries.