Bedtime, Squeaky Toy, & Really Good Status Updates

Editorial Team

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20 Stupid Funny Status Updates:

I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’re probably just being realistic.
I can’t take my jacket off because it’s part of my outfit, you idiot.
Are they training any young child to take over Morgan Freeman’s job of narrating everything? If not, they should get on that.
Nothing motivates me less than having to get out of bed.
And that’s when I realized, it wasn’t the hamburger who needed help, it was me.
Isn’t it weird how we basically have an endless mental conversation with ourselves?
You’ll end up real disappointed if you think people will do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart as you.
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
Hello and welcome to DeVry orientation. Sign-in sheets are on the left, Steve is passing out your diplomas, thanks & congrats class of 1:47.
We’re writing our own wedding vows. Here’s what I have so far: “Dat ass tho”
I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
Damn girl are you a Prius because you’re giving me no sounds or indications that you’re turned on right now.
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
I HEREBY GIVE MY PERMISSION to the Police, CI5, the NSA, the FBI and CIA, the Swiss Guards, the Priory of Scion, the inhabitants of Middle Earth, Agents Mulder and Scully, the Goonies, ALL the Storm Troopers and Darth Vader, the Mad Hatter, Chuck Norris, S.H.I.E.L.D, The Avengers, The Illuminati, The Men in Black, X-Men, Ghost Busters, The Justice League, Gandalf and Dumbledore, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and all the members of Van Halen (even Sammy), Voltron, The Shirt Tails, the Thunder Cats, Dr.Who, Hart to Hart, Mystery inc. (Scooby Doo), James Garner, Angela Landsbury, the WWF, EPA and even Magnum P.I. He-man, Jay and Silent Bob, Cheech and Chong, Neo, the Boondock Saints, and Batman, to view all the amazing and interesting things that I publish on Facebook. I’m aware that my privacy ended the very day that I started Facebook, I know whatever I post, usually gets shared, tagged, copied and posted elsewhere.