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Tasty Facebook Statuses… Yum!
- The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
- Whenever I see someone using a pay-phone I always think they’re arranging the ransom drop off.
- A moment of silence for everything I have to do but am not doing.
- Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.
- Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don’t.
- Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you’re in.
- I confine my exercise to jumping to conclusions, stretching the truth and pushing my luck.
- Dear Phone, Thank you for not making me look like a loner in awkward situations. Sincerely, Me.
- I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else’s.
- I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.
- The existence of flamethrowers proves that someone once said “I want to set those ppl over there on fire but I’m just not close enough”
- How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
- Apple is the Empire.
Android is the Republic.
Blackberry is Jar Jar Binks.
- The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
- Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
- With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
- At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music.
- I’m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
- It’s a myth that pets provide home security. 96% of all dog barks are false alarms, and cats instinctively side with evildoers.
- I’m in love with my bed. But my alarm clock won’t let us be together
Dog Talks to Baby:
Just welcoming his new brother into the world, that’s all 🙂 So sweet!