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Baby Talk, Rich Folk, and Tasty Statuses

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The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
Whenever I see someone using a pay-phone I always think they’re arranging the ransom drop off.
A moment of silence for everything I have to do but am not doing.
Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.
Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don’t.
Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you’re in.
I confine my exercise to jumping to conclusions, stretching the truth and pushing my luck.
Dear Phone, Thank you for not making me look like a loner in awkward situations. Sincerely, Me.
I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else’s.
I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.
The existence of flamethrowers proves that someone once said “I want to set those ppl over there on fire but I’m just not close enough”
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
Apple is the Empire.
Android is the Republic.
Blackberry is Jar Jar Binks.
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music.
I’m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
It’s a myth that pets provide home security. 96% of all dog barks are false alarms, and cats instinctively side with evildoers.
I’m in love with my bed. But my alarm clock won’t let us be together