Get through Hump Day, share these….
Absurd Facebook Status Updates:
- If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
- My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
- I like to run in front of people approaching automatic doors and shout, “Let me get that for you!” I’m a stupid asshole.
- It only becomes a mistake if you regret it.
- I want the equivalent of an e-cigarette for alcohol so I can do it at work. Get on that scientists!
- Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
- I like to mess with dudes wearing Tapout shirts by saying “Cute top!”
- Woodpeckers have very clear life goals.
- If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
- The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
- Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
- Glad to live in a time where being social doesn’t require making eye contact.
- I’m glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.
- I’ll never take a bullet for you… If I have time to jump in front of a bullet, you have time to move out of the freakin way!
- I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
- Sleeping in could easily be my superpower. If not for my arch-nemesis, having to pee.
- If you want to know what happens after we die, read over my shoulder with food in your mouth.
- Age 11: “I whip my hair back & forth!” Age 27: “I drive my kids back & forth!” Age 72: “I rock my chair back & forth!”
- Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.
- I sprayed Taylor Swift’s new perfume on me, then started writing a five page letter to the boy who forgot to put a straw in my bag at Arby’s.
- Navigating through costco makes me hate the entire human race. I would pay a premium to shop here after hours when it closed.
This is reallllllyyyy Skerrrryyyyyy
Note to self: Don’t get into yachting…. Welp, guess I won’t have to worry about this one.
Unbelievable!!! Whale lifts Kayak straight out of the water…
Those people are remarkably calm considering what just happened to them. That was nuts!