Whale Lifts Kayak, Scary Boats, and Absurd Facebook Statuses

Get through Hump Day, share these….

Absurd Facebook Status Updates:

  1. If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
  2. My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
  3. I like to run in front of people approaching automatic doors and shout, “Let me get that for you!” I’m a stupid asshole.
  4. It only becomes a mistake if you regret it.
  5. I want the equivalent of an e-cigarette for alcohol so I can do it at work. Get on that scientists!
  6. Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
  7. I like to mess with dudes wearing Tapout shirts by saying “Cute top!”
  8. Woodpeckers have very clear life goals.
  9. If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
  10. The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
  11. Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
  12. Glad to live in a time where being social doesn’t require making eye contact.
  13. I’m glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.
  14. I’ll never take a bullet for you… If I have time to jump in front of a bullet, you have time to move out of the freakin way!
  15. I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
  16. Sleeping in could easily be my superpower. If not for my arch-nemesis, having to pee.
  17. If you want to know what happens after we die, read over my shoulder with food in your mouth.
  18. Age 11: “I whip my hair back & forth!” Age 27: “I drive my kids back & forth!” Age 72: “I rock my chair back & forth!”
  19. Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.
  20. I sprayed Taylor Swift’s new perfume on me, then started writing a five page letter to the boy who forgot to put a straw in my bag at Arby’s.
  21. Navigating through costco makes me hate the entire human race. I would pay a premium to shop here after hours when it closed.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

This is reallllllyyyy Skerrrryyyyyy

Note to self: Don’t get into yachting…. Welp, guess I won’t have to worry about this one.

Unbelievable!!! Whale lifts Kayak straight out of the water…

Those people are remarkably calm considering what just happened to them. That was nuts!

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