Dancing Oldman, Happy Ass, and 20 Entertaining Facebook Statuses

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20 Entertaining Facebook Statuses:

  1. Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings.
  2. Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
  3. If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
  4. 1969: America winning space race with the Russians 2014: America keeping up with the Kardashians.
  5. Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
  6. I scrolled too far back on my timeline and I ended up on myspace.
  7. I hate going to sleep. but when I do… I never want to wake up.
  8. Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink!
  9. “Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
  10. When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see him too?”
  11. The ONLY thing I miss about being a teenager is being able to legally punch other teenagers.
  12. Fear less, trust more; take less, give more; whine less, thank more; talk less, say more; hate less, love more.
  13. When I die, I want to be cremated and put inside an Etch-a-Sketch.
  14. Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
  15. Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
  16. The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.
  17. Like this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
  18. Sometimes I like to click the “hide this ad” feature on Facebook ads and then click “uninteresting” just to fuck with their data.
  19. Know how when you stare at a word too long or say it too many times it starts to not make sense? Waffles
  20. 5 star hangover: You have a second heartbeat in your head. Death seems pretty good right now. You can’t focus as your eyes are scrunched up From the overwhelming glare of any light. Rancid booze vapor is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it’s toothpaste crust. You don’t give a shit either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You’d cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. You look so pathetic. You called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe….very gently.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Happy Ass…

No doubt, that is one happy ass.

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