From this week on Facebook…
Top 20 Facebook Status Updates:
- Today while driving, I thought I saw a baby deer in the road and had to swerve to avoid hitting it with my car… missing it by inches. Turns out, it was only a Smart Car with those stupid reindeer antlers.
- I wouldn’t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
- Stay with the one who makes you a better version of yourself. So….stay with wine.
- You can’t make everyone happy. Unless you’re a jar of Nutella. Then you probably can.
- True love is spending the rest of your life with someone you’d like to kill but don’t because you’d miss them too much.
- I’d like to retract any previous statements about wanting to grow up.
- I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
- That awkward moment when even though your memory is terrific you have to pretend to be forgetful to not seem like a stalker.
- If you plant a pumpkin spice latte in the ground, water it with vodka, and play Taylor Swift around it, a sorority house will grow.
- Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more shit that comes out your mouth.
- Just did the math and if I didn’t buy coffee every day I’d be a retired millionaire with very white teeth.
- If my job was to browse the Internet and play on my phone, I don’t know what I’d do to slack off, but I’m sure I’d find something.
- Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.
- When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
- Showing your love used to be buying them flowers or writing a poem. Now it’s just looking at them for 5 minutes without checking your phone.
- The year is 2060. iPhone 842 is released. The screen touches you.
- If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with assholes”
- Commenting “not your best” on everybody’s selfies.
- No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
- Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman’s mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. Time.
3 Second Fried Shrimp…
Japan never ceases to amaze me. They always take it to the next level.
Have a great weekend! Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App. See you on Monday 🙂