3 Second Fried Shrimp, Sneezing, and Top 20 Facebook Status Updates

From this week on Facebook…

Top 20 Facebook Status Updates:

  1. Today while driving, I thought I saw a baby deer in the road and had to swerve to avoid hitting it with my car… missing it by inches. Turns out, it was only a Smart Car with those stupid reindeer antlers.
  2. I wouldn’t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
  3. Stay with the one who makes you a better version of yourself. So….stay with wine.
  4. You can’t make everyone happy. Unless you’re a jar of Nutella. Then you probably can.
  5. True love is spending the rest of your life with someone you’d like to kill but don’t because you’d miss them too much.
  6. I’d like to retract any previous statements about wanting to grow up.
  7. I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
  8. That awkward moment when even though your memory is terrific you have to pretend to be forgetful to not seem like a stalker.
  9. If you plant a pumpkin spice latte in the ground, water it with vodka, and play Taylor Swift around it, a sorority house will grow.
  10. Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more shit that comes out your mouth.
  11. Just did the math and if I didn’t buy coffee every day I’d be a retired millionaire with very white teeth.
  12. If my job was to browse the Internet and play on my phone, I don’t know what I’d do to slack off, but I’m sure I’d find something.
  13. Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.
  14. When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
  15. Showing your love used to be buying them flowers or writing a poem. Now it’s just looking at them for 5 minutes without checking your phone.
  16. The year is 2060. iPhone 842 is released. The screen touches you.
  17. If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with assholes”
  18. Commenting “not your best” on everybody’s selfies.
  19. No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
  20. Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman’s mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. Time.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

3 Second Fried Shrimp…

Japan never ceases to amaze me. They always take it to the next level.

Have a great weekend! Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App. See you on Monday 🙂