Sour Candy, Bill Gates, & 20 Creative Status Updates

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20 Creative Status Updates:

“I’m not like most girls.” -Most Girls
Step 1: open fridge …nothing to eat
Step 2: Open Pantry …nothing to eat
Step 3: Lower standards, repeat 1 & 2
Friendship is so weird…you just pick a human you’ve met and you’re like “yep I like this one” and you just do stuff with them.
Unless you’re a jar of Nutella, it’s impossible to make everyone happy.
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.
Why can’t brunch be an every day kind of thing?
I wouldn’t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion and I’d hate to deprive them.
I make the dinner, you clean the kitchen. This is how the world works.
I can’t decide if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.

Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem.
Getting sad again for no reason after you’ve been so happy for a long time is literally one of the worst feelings ever.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I used to have functioning brain cells but I traded them in for children.
Your ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
That awkward moment when you have to get over someone you never even dated.
If Virtual Reality games become a thing, pro gamers will need to be in shape as a physical sport athlete.
Facebook needs an ‘agree’ and/or ‘support’ button, so I don’t have to ‘like’ that you’re having a tough struggle with cancer.
On the back of road signs, they should put the text in reverse, that way, you can read the sign you just passed in your rear view mirror, in case you missed it the first time.
If a fight video was uploaded to YouTube and was over 240p, not shaky, and not filmed in portrait, I would think it was faked.