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Daily Top 20 Status Updates:
- How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
- “Would you like a bag for that?” asks the rude cashier, pointing to your face.
- According to recent statistics, I have 100% no idea what I’m doing with my life.
- If you’re ever feeling down on your appearance, remember: even the ugliest potato can become a beautiful delicious French fry. Everybody wants a french fry.
- Any pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.
- You are part of a puzzle in someones life. You may never know where you fit. But, someones life may never be complete without you in it.
- One morning, the CEO of UPS woke up and was like “Screw it, trucks don’t need doors.”
- Don’t let regrets about the past or worries about the future rob you of your enjoyment of the present.
- TEXTATIONSHIP: a person that texts you all the time but never makes an effort to see you.
- Disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
- WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
- Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
- “Do what you love” is shitty career advice because mostly what I love is spending time alone and eating breakfast food.
- Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
- Please enjoy your day. Not mine.
- Don’t reach for the stars. They are extremely hot and will incinerate you.
- Dear naps, I’m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
- Settle down heart. No one cares what you think.
- I do this thing called “Whatever The f*ck I Want”.
- I’m-a start a new movement. Call it “People Against People Against People.” Basically, we’d go around protesting anyone who is discriminating against someone else. Creed, colour, genitalia, it don’t matter. If you have protesters and you feel they are being discriminatory, you give us a call and we’ll be right over with signs and bullhorns to protest their protest. We can even have a slogan: “Hey you, Stop that!”
Who lives in an Apple Pie under the sea?
Cat Makes Huge Mistake..
That cat learned a very valuable lesson that day.