Cooking Pasta, Opening Beers, and 20 Epic Status Updates

Share a smile, post one of these…

20 Epic Facebook Status Updates:

  1. I just need, like, 5 more hours of sleep.
  2. Roughly 40% of my childhood was spent preparing for the day I would fall into a pit of quicksand.
  3. If anxiety burned calories, I’d be a super model.
  4. I have to sleep with a blanket, no matter how hot my room is.
  5. Keep your friends close…keep tacos even closer.
  6. There’s a huge difference when a guy and girl says “I went through a whole box of tissues watching that movie.”
  7. I talk to my dog more than I talk to humans.
  8. The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
  9. I have never forgotten to eat.
  10. There’s one energy source we’ll never run out of: the anger of men under 5’7″.
  11. Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
  12. You had me at 0 mutual friends.
  13. Fear the man wearing velcro strapped sandals, for he has nothing left to lose.
  14. How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
  15. I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.
  16. Knock Knock. Who’s there? Hatch. Hatch who? God bless you.
  17. Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
  18. If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
  19. Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make shit happen.
  20. In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.

Funny Pics | Gifs | VideosYesterdays Status Updates

Pretty much every-time I cook Pasta..


Every. Damn. Time.

How to open 5 beers at once..

Very impressive!

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