20 Funny Statuses:
- f puppies could talk I would never even want to try and make human friends ever again.
- Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
- It’s called “Biscotti” because nobody would buy “chocolate covered croutons”.
- Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
I’m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
- Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
- I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
- How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the “For External Use Only” warning labels.
- I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
- Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
- I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
- Ziploc’s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
- Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
- Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
- When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? … Please say tomorrow
- I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
- Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
- I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
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