Jack Daniel’s – A Man’s Band-Aid

first aid kit you mean jack daniels

20 Funny Statuses:

  1. If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I’m married. I’m gonna fart.
  2. As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
  3. My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
  4. He said the spark between us was gone..so I tasered him….. Ill ask him again when he wakes up
  5. iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.
  6. If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
  7. The problem with drinking with people from work is they’re the ones I bitch about when I’m drunk.
  8. Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can’t change a tire for sh*t.
  9. I’m in a rush to go home and do absolutely nothing.
  10. I’m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
  11. Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say “And can I get that to go?” and enjoy the confused silence.
  12. “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
  13. Something I will never understand: Why it’s acceptable for people to be idiots but not acceptable for me to point it out.
  14. Sorry, I can’t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
  15. I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York.
  16. Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!
  17. How the hell can Dora call herself an explorer if she only goes to places already on the map?
  18. My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they’re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
  19. If you’re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
  20. If we all had to wear a warning label, what would yours say?

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