Waking Up, Screaming Teeth, & Top 20 Weekend Status Updates

706

Make your weekend last longer, share one of these..

Top 20 Weekend Status Updates:

If I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote.
Play like you are #1. Train like you are #2.
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
I can send a text at 12:04 & be asleep by 12:05
It’s impossible to tip-toe around without activating your T-Rex arms.
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
If you don’t catch me before I take off my bra, then all plans are off.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I hope that when Donald Trump dies he gets cremated and the guy working the oven says “You’re fired” and laughs.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces.
Smoke detectors should have an “I’m just cooking button” which deactivates it for 20 minutes or so.
No one has ever been in an empty room.
Dealing with you is like trying to nail jello to the wall.
When does hibernation start?
I put my hair in a ponytail, so I’m all set on my upper body workout for the day.
Your password must contain at least one lie society told you and one dream you gave up for the financial means to survive.
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
If your name is on the building, you’re rich; if your name is on your desk, you’re middle-class; if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
I hate it when people ask me what I’ll be doing in five years time. Seriously, I don’t have 2020 vision