Facebook Status Updates

Superman GoPro, Happy Puppy, and Ridiculous Status Updates

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Ridiculous Facebook Status Updates:

That awkward moment when someone yells at you for clicking a pen…but you have to click it once more to use it.
Relationship Status: Sleeping next to the warm laundry pile.
Sorry that offended you, I really didn’t think you’d get it.
With my eyes. That’s how I roll.
The most valuable thing you can make is a mistake- you can’t learn anything from being perfect.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
I DO WHAT I WANT, WHEN I WANT, WHEREVER I WANT. .. as long as my mom says its ok..
I bet no one in Africa is allergic to gluten.
Can’t believe I grew up for this.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
If I were a bathroom tile salesman, my pitch would be “Think of how great this will look in the background of your social networking pics.”
Funny how when a guy is broke, all of a sudden he becomes romantic “what about I make you dinner at my place and watch a movie”
Looking for one night stand! Probably need two! I have a lot of books!
1. Sit down next to stranger on park bench. 2. Place an envelope beside him. 3. Whisper, “It has to look like an accident.” 4. Walk away.
Nothing satisfies me more than knowing someone underestimates me. Except the moment they realize they did.
My ex said he left me because of my short attention span. Unbeknownst to him I actually…damn. Thats a cool ass word right? Unbeknownst..
Wouldn’t it be awesome if MTV had a show called “16 and Applying to Colleges”?
I hate it when someone cuts you off on the freeway, and you pull up to them to talk shit and they keep both hands on steering wheel looking straight ahead.
Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life, has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.