Make your weekend last longer, share these…

5-Star Facebook Status Updates for the Weekend:

  1. You never realize how much you love sleeping until you have to wake up in the morning.
  2. Relationships are harder now because conversations become texting, arguments become phone calls, and feelings become status updates.
  3. I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
  4. Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds. There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
  5. Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you.
  6. There are so many scams on the Internet now-a-days. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
  7. I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
  8. I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That shit’s dangerous.
  9. Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
  10. I hate music…. said nobody ever!
  11. I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them.
  12. I’m no cactus expert. But, I know a prick when I see one.
  13. Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
  14. Casual, but fun. Casual butt fun. That extra “t” can ruin your night.
  15. Do you guys remember how in the 90’s we had a room in our houses called “the computer room”?
  16. Hilarious how I can’t wake up Monday to Friday, but on weekends have insomnia so bad I can hear an ant cough in the back yard.
  17. Boobs are to men what light bulbs are to moths.
  18. The slow motion scene where the person walks away from an explosion but it’s me walking away from self checkout without needing assistance.
  19. I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.
  20. Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don’t know how to play chess.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Ridin’ Dirty @ Disneyland…

Well played, kid! Ain’t no police messin’ with you!

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our 4.5-star Rated iPhone App. Please check back on Monday for more funny status updates!