Raccoon Plays Harp, Dapper Doggie, and Hilarious Statuses

Make your weekend last longer, share these…

Hilarious Statuses for Facebook:

  1. Thanksgiving: “Let’s give thanks for the shit we have.” Black Friday: “Ok, let’s get all new shit.”
  2. The first rule of Women’s fight club is don’t tell anyone what you’re mad about or why you’re fighting.
  3. Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
  4. I love when somebody posts a selfie and nobody likes it.
  5. That awkward moment when you can’t remember if something happened in real life or in a dream.
  6. I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
  7. I think the face you make pre-sneeze is the same as when you orgasm.
  8. I was the kid your mom made you play with out of pity.
  9. If you don’t like the fire….don’t tickle the dragon.
  10. Death is a part of life… Specifically the last part.
  11. Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
  12. If you give your two cents worth and a penny for your thoughts, someone, somewhere is making a penny.
  13. Why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let this stupidity problem solve itself?
  14. I could sleep for 2 weeks straight and still be tired.
  15. Two hardest things in life: Letting go when all you really want is to stay and trying to make someone stay when they really want to leave.
  16. Those random memories that make you smile no matter what is going on in your life.
  17. It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
  18. Grumpy old man: “You need to pick up after your dog.” Me: “It’s pee! If you want to grab a straw and suck it up, be my guest.”
  19. I’m not a biologist but I’m pretty sure the difference between a moth and a butterfly is that a moth is really ugly.
  20. If you love someone set them free. Then send them a text message every hour letting them know you’ve set them free.

 Yesterdays Status Updates… | Best Stocking Stuffer Under $30

Dapper Doggie:

Dappier Doggie

I hope his name is Winston!

Raccoon Plays Harp…

Well played, Raccoon.

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