Pug in a Tub, Childhood, and 20 Hilarious Status Updates

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20 Hilarious Facebook Status Updates:

Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Hey sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.
I would rather have a life full of scars than one full of fear.
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
I hate it when people call dogs “stupid”. I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human shit?
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We’ve always wanted to go skydiving.
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines” But you? You can call me tonight.
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
I thought I was swerving to avoid hitting a baby deer today, but it turned out to be a smart car with those stupid antlers on it!
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
At least I know it wasn’t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn’t ask.
Nobody talk to me until I’ve Instagrammed my coffee.
Sometimes I don’t answer your calls because I’m too tired to give you advice that you’re not going to take.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
That awkward moment when you want to laugh in a serious situation.
Sorry I can’t hangout, my phone is only at 61%.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
With the right person, you can talk about absolutely nothing for hours & feel like you spoke about everything.