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20 Hilarious Facebook Status Updates:
- Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
- Hey sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.
- I would rather have a life full of scars than one full of fear.
- Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
- I hate it when people call dogs “stupid”. I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human shit?
- If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We’ve always wanted to go skydiving.
- Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
- Most people call me “bad at pickup lines” But you? You can call me tonight.
- Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
- I thought I was swerving to avoid hitting a baby deer today, but it turned out to be a smart car with those stupid antlers on it!
- I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
- At least I know it wasn’t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn’t ask.
- Nobody talk to me until I’ve Instagrammed my coffee.
- Sometimes I don’t answer your calls because I’m too tired to give you advice that you’re not going to take.
- What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
- That awkward moment when you want to laugh in a serious situation.
- Sorry I can’t hangout, my phone is only at 61%.
- Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
- I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
- With the right person, you can talk about absolutely nothing for hours & feel like you spoke about everything.
Barry the Pug takes a Bath:
He really loved that bath! My dog goes nuts when you try to give her a bath. Guess he’s got the magic touch 🙂
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