Must Stay Awake, Remote Issues, and Hilarious Statuses

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Everyday I’m shoveling. – Winter 2014
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Loofah sponge instructions: 1. Wet before use 2. Use once 3. Hang to dry as shower decoration for the rest of your life.
Who is “Taxes” and “IRS”? Those jerks have been sending me junk mail for years.
I’m going to keep my Facebook account but delete my real life.
I showed my iPad to my iPhone, and he was all “what’s up fatty”.
Moving sucks! Why hasn’t anyone invented Copy and Paste for real life?
That fake laugh you do when you have no idea what the other person said.
Spending half of the movie wondering where you’ve seen the actor before…
me watching the Olympics: oh wow, that was impressive!
announcer: ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!
It’s time to go to bed when you type the name of the website you are already looking at into your browser.
New idea for Mythbusters: Find an honest politician.
Immediately like this status if you automatically restart a game when you know your gonna lose!
That spider is more afraid of you than you are of it. Oh really did it tell you that?
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
Why do we say sorry even when they bumped into us?
LIFE INSURANCE: a contract that keeps you poor so you can die rich.
THINK.. its not illegal yet.
I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.