Humility, Handicap Puppy, and Hilarious Status Updates

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Hilarious Facebook Status Updates:

I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
People who make really bad decisions are always like “I have the worst luck”
Still haven’t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket…scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different.
If you ever feel like you’re having a bad day, just remember some adults have braces.
If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over….you can make them here, because I want some too.
Because of my ex, I’m going to have a tough time ever trusting another woman – me, to the girl at Wendy’s, as I double-check my takeout bag.
I wonder if people who decide to try crack saw a crackhead and thought, yeah that.
Here is why we have a obesity problem in america: Because Burgers are $.99, & Salads are $4.99.
I can’t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that’s a relief.
How to win an argument: 1. Have boobs. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
Not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Beware of TV. It has the power to turn things like storage, parking and cupcakes into wars.
It takes 21 days to form a habit? I’ve been going to school for 2,500 days and I still give up every morning.
Showing your friend a funny video on YouTube and constantly checking their face to make sure they’re enjoying it…
I’ve always wanted to get into a cab and yell, ‘Follow that car!!!’
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint. I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
I never use the little twist ties to close a bag of bread…I just spin the bag and tuck it under the loaf of bread.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
Don’t try calling me back after you miss my call. I make 3 calls a year. You blew it.