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All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
If you mix Taco Bell hot sauce into your ramen, it tastes exactly like poverty.
That awkward moment when you finish reading a page and you have no idea what you just read.
Don’t waste my timeline.
If your cat really loved you it would be a dog.
One in three Americans weigh as much as the other two.
I didn’t text you last weekend…Jack Daniels did.
I love doing stupid things with my friends. Best memories ever.
Me: Wow everything is going perfect for once!
Life: haha one sec.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t really figure out the plot.
Patience is not one of my virtues. Hell, what am I talking about? Virtue is not one of my virtues.
$100 says I don’t have a gambling problem.
Wanna make someone feel uncomfortable? After shaking their hand slowly lift your hand to your nose and say, Mmm.
You never learn anything by doing it right.
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
I DROPPED MY BABY!! The battery popped out and not a scratch on the touchscreen WHEW
Maybe she’s born with them. Maybe they’re made of saline.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
You auto complete me.