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Epic Status Updates for FB:
- “Do you want to hear the specials?” “No, but I’ll stare and nod for a minute before proceeding with my order.”
- Treat your woman like you treat your smartphone: touch her often, stare at her, and make her the most important thing in your life.
- Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
- If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
- It seems like around 90% of my work day is spent between the hours of four and five o’clock.
- Funny how one night, one second, one decision, could change your life forever.
- I changed the name of my hard drive to ‘that thang,’ so once a month, my computer asks me if I wanna back that that thang up.
- Don’t you hate it when you miss a call by the last ring, but when you immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail? What did the person do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
- The US budget is like Oregon Trail. We spend all our money on ammunition, and wonder why our wagon is falling apart and everyone is dying of dysentery.
- Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
- Sometimes I wonder how many miles I’ve scrolled my mouse wheel.
- There are teenagers having unprotected sex, but have cases on their cell phones. Just let that sink in for a moment.
- If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people.
- Sorry hun, but unlike you, I’m not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn. I’m more of a casino where only the lucky ones hit the jackpot.
- If good things come to those who wait, then I must have something ridiculously amazing coming!
- Being in love doesn’t mean that you’re never gonna get hurt, but the pain you feel doesn’t compare to the regret that comes from walking away.
- Dear Congress, Last year I mismanaged my funds & this year I cannot decide on a budget. Until I have come to a unified decision that fits all of my needs & interests, I will have to shut down my checkbook & will no longer be able to pay my taxes. I’m sure you’ll understand. Thank you very much for setting an example we can all follow. Re~post if you agree.
- Onions: $3.00, Caramel: $2.00, Popsicle sticks: $1.00. Watching your friends bite into a caramel onion thinking it’s an apple: beyond priceless.
- This world is not going to make any progress until we stop perpetuating the belief that “paper” beats “rock.”
- MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES: ATD -at the doctors. BFF -best friend fell. BTW -bring the wheelchair. BYOT -bring your own teeth. FWIW -forgot where I was. GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low. GHA -got heartburn again. IMHO -is my hearing aid on. LMDO -laughing my dentures out. OMMR -on my massage recliner. OMSG -oh my! sorry, gas. ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can’t get up. TTYL -talk to you louder
The floor is completely flat:
How trippy is that?!?! I don’t know about you but, we’d flip the heck out! Share this optical illusion flooring with your Facebook friends for insta-likes.
Dog Snores Like Daffy Duck:
Hah, that would be a little hard to sleep next to. Make sure to share this funny video.