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Epic Status Updates for FB:

1. “Do you want to hear the specials?” “No, but I’ll stare and nod for a minute before proceeding with my order.”
2. Treat your woman like you treat your smartphone: touch her often, stare at her, and make her the most important thing in your life.
3. Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
4. If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
5. It seems like around 90% of my work day is spent between the hours of four and five o’clock.
6. Funny how one night, one second, one decision, could change your life forever.
7. I changed the name of my hard drive to ‘that thang,’ so once a month, my computer asks me if I wanna back that that thang up.
8. Don’t you hate it when you miss a call by the last ring, but when you immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail? What did the person do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
9. The US budget is like Oregon Trail. We spend all our money on ammunition, and wonder why our wagon is falling apart and everyone is dying of dysentery.
10. Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
11. Sometimes I wonder how many miles I’ve scrolled my mouse wheel.
12. There are teenagers having unprotected sex, but have cases on their cell phones. Just let that sink in for a moment.
13. If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people.
14. Sorry hun, but unlike you, I’m not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn. I’m more of a casino where only the lucky ones hit the jackpot.
15. If good things come to those who wait, then I must have something ridiculously amazing coming!
16. Being in love doesn’t mean that you’re never gonna get hurt, but the pain you feel doesn’t compare to the regret that comes from walking away.
17. Dear Congress, Last year I mismanaged my funds & this year I cannot decide on a budget. Until I have come to a unified decision that fits all of my needs & interests, I will have to shut down my checkbook & will no longer be able to pay my taxes. I’m sure you’ll understand. Thank you very much for setting an example we can all follow. Re~post if you agree.
18. Onions: $3.00, Caramel: $2.00, Popsicle sticks: $1.00. Watching your friends bite into a caramel onion thinking it’s an apple: beyond priceless.
19. This world is not going to make any progress until we stop perpetuating the belief that “paper” beats “rock.”
20. MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES: ATD -at the doctors. BFF -best friend fell. BTW -bring the wheelchair. BYOT -bring your own teeth. FWIW -forgot where I was. GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low. GHA -got heartburn again. IMHO -is my hearing aid on. LMDO -laughing my dentures out. OMMR -on my massage recliner. OMSG -oh my! sorry, gas. ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can’t get up. TTYL -talk to you louder

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The floor is completely flat:

How trippy is that?!?! I don’t know about you but, we’d flip the heck out! Share this optical illusion flooring with your Facebook friends for insta-likes.

Dog Snores Like Daffy Duck:

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5IEBvmJ4PGc[/youtube]

Hah, that would be a little hard to sleep next to. Make sure to share this funny video.