Dachshund Bath Time, Gone Forever, & Hilarious Statuses

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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you’re probably a weatherman.
If you’re out running in jeans, I’m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
It takes so much self control for me not to write, “you sure about that?” under Facebook engagement announcements.
I have the amazing superpower of making any situation awkward.
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
I don’t get older. I level up.
Dear Stress, Lets break up. <3 Me
Homeless sign: Please help me out. All money reinvested locally.
I wear earbuds that aren’t hooked up to anything just so people won’t talk to me.
Hey graffiti artists, how the hell did you get up there?
Once you lick frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin.
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
It must be really wierd when the only thing you’re TOO young for is Social Security.
“After five guys I feel like a bad person,” doesn’t sound right even though I’m referring to a cheeseburger with fries.
When you’re riding in a chevy and you feel something heavy…
I finally found something Walmart doesn’t sell: harps.
Tortoise was mugged by some snails…police asked what happened. Tortoise said I dunno, it all happened so fast.
Does anyone else feel like Marge Simpson when they have their wet hair in a towel on top of their head?
I need my decision making privileges taken away.
Happy Birthday, person whose birthday it is (posted daily)