Fridge Food, Fetch the Cat, and Clever Status Posts

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20 Clever Facebook Status Posts:

I’m only as strong as the coffee I drink.
Be the person your dog thinks you are.
How do people rap?? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
I say idk a lot, but trust me I be knowin’
“Doing fine. Here’s your mom.” -Every phone conversation I’ve ever had with my dad.
When the brain and the heart fight, it’s always the liver that suffers…
When you say something stupid, the best remedy is to just keep talking to make things worse.
Cuddling before bed relaxes the brain, making it easier to fall asleep.
I still jump into bed in case there’s something living underneath…
You’re the “she” to my “nanigans”.
Just once I want my skills to be so urgently required that a helicopter is dispatched to pick me up.
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
Picture this: Cee Lo and a T-Rex in a slap fight.
You’re dry humping my last nerve.
Sometimes knowing exactly where you are does not make you any less lost.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now
I hope you can attend my TED Talk where I will discuss how to turn off the motherf*cking typing noises on your iPhone.
You don’t have the right to say “the struggle is real” when your ass is still living with your parents.
The best things in life are the things you can’t explain with just one puppet show.
That awkward moment when you realize you have a lot in common with the person you hate.