Clean Your Room, Power of Milk, and 20 Witty Status Updates

One of these will make you laugh, guaranteed…

20 Witty Facebook Status Updates:

  1. Do you ever hang out with someone, but later realize that it’s not what you wanted to do and then you’re trapped for a few hours?
  2. Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
  3. I’ve been watching a bird do a mating dance for half an hour now, it’s working, I want him.
  4. My theory is that conductors are secretly casting spells on the orchestra. They are the closest thing we have to witches.
  5. “Hi, can I have a chicken salad with avocado?” “Avocado costs $1 extra, do you still want it?” “Hold on, let me call my financial adviser.”
  6. I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
  7. The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
  8. I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?
  9. The only people I respect in life are people at sporting events who don’t give a shit they’re on the Jumbotron.
  10. I have the talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
  11. I get insanely uncomfortable when people have their own selfies as their phone wallpaper.
  12. “Please don’t pick up please don’t pick up please don’t pick up….(voicemail) YES!”
  13. If someone says “This place is crackalackin!”, does that mean it’s lacking white people?
  14. Screw you, little sticker on fruit!
  15. Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
  16. How inconsiderate of that cop to pull me over. It should have been pretty obvious that I was in a hurry.
  17. When old ladies talk about how they weren’t allowed to work or go to school when they were young I’m just like omg stop bragging.
  18. This song is so good. I love it. I’m going to listen to it 500 times in a row until I hate this stupid, awful song.
  19. That awkward moment when someone thinks you’re anti-social, when you’re not. You just hate them.
  20. Sometimes you have to take a deep breath & remind yourself that you wouldn’t look good in prison clothes & smile at the asshole & walk away.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

The Power of Milk:

Milk, it does a body good 🙂

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