Make your weekend last longer, share these…
Top 20 Status Posts:
- That awkward moment when you have crunchy food in a room full of silent people.
- Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
- A good criterion for measuring success is the number of people you have made happy.
- Reminder: Buy low and sell high. Unless it’s Pot. Then you’re buying and selling high.
- Relax. If you didn’t want me knocking it over, why the hell did you write “tip jar” on it? Just for that, I’m taking my 15 cents back.
- I’d love to be a lifeguard at the gene pool. I’d let a few of them drown.
- Work like you don’t have proof of citizenship, Love like you were on a reality TV show, and dance like you were being thrown 100 dollar bills at.
- My son is a potty mouth. By son I mean dog and by potty mouth I mean he drinks from the toilet.
- Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
- Text Flirting Tip: Don’t reply immediately. Play it cool, wait for a minute, then eventually forget to reply and ruin everything.
- There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
- Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason I have trust issues.
- I have a girlfriend…oh wait, no…that’s a fridge.
- Oh. Awesome. A gift card. It’s like money, but I can only spend it where you thought I’d like to.
- So red or white wine with hamburger helper?
- When setting the table, does the remote go to the left or the right of the dinner plate?
- So women like men who work out, eh? Then there’s only one logical thing for me to do: kill all men who work out.
- The cops came to my house this morning claiming that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I told those idiots my dog doesn’t have a bike.
- I made Creme Brulee today. More food should require the use of a blow torch.
- I don’t like irony. Or foldy. Or thinky. Or worky. I like eaty. Eaty is good.
EPIC Cat Vs. Lizard Video:
LOL I re-watched that a dozen times 🙂 Share if you enjoyed it as much as I did!
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